Tuesday, May 24, 2011

By the way I know I'm just a teen. But I still love him. I'm adjusting to the fact that he's dating someone else. That he likes someone else. It hurts alot. I cry alot when people aren't looking. But its nice to see him happy.
I have nothing to hide that's how I feel. I published all the drafts I didn't post. I don't care what people say or think at this point. To me success is making it through the day. To me success is going to school and not let anyone break me down. To me life is just life. It can be over in an instant so why let others bring you down.


I'm sick of the rumors.
I'm sick of the lies.
I'm sick of the cruel jokes,
the pointed fingers.
So what I'm different,
so are you
get over it!
It's called life.
You don't think I know what people say
I do.
Our school is so small you need to be dead not to hear it.
I'm not oblivious.
I just ignore what you say.
Honestly get over the fact that I'm not the smiley type of person
So what I look sad
have you ever thought that I'm just pondering about something
I question things in life thats what I do.
If I'm mean to people its because I'm slipping up
and forgetting how I feel when people are mean to me.
Or I'm just being sarcastic.
Honestly I know I don't have that many "real" friends
but the friends that I do have I'll treasure forever
For them every tear is worth it
For them I'd give them the best
and get stuck with the crummy stuff nobody wants
For them I would do so many things because I know they'd do the same for me
And this is Highschool for crying out loud
I'm not trying to meet your expectations.
I'm not trying to conform.
I'm going to be me and smile when I want to.

Monday, May 23, 2011

My best friend

My best friend is Jake. He gives me motivational speeches throughout the day. He says I'm beautiful even though I think otherwise and shoot him down every time he says it. But that doesn't seem to faze him. I don't know what else to say about him. He's just a great friend. Maybe he'll rub off on me. I don't know. He's cocky but in a good way.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

I'm just a toy

You know what sucks I'm in love with a boy. He knows it too. I told him everything my secrets how I felt about him I've never told anyone that I haven't even wrote it down in my journal. But I broke up with him. During this time he held hands with another girl and I cried I bawled. I was hurt, but I still wanted him and still do. Then for a while he wouldn't talk to me so I hung out with my friend Jame. My friend Jame kissed me. I freaked out. I felt like I cheated on Brandon but he didn't want me. So I was confused and kept being friends with Jame. But Brandon thought I was over him. When really I was not I was dying on the inside. But then we went to prom together I wanted to tell him how I felt. But I didn't. I told myself I would go over the next day Sunday, but it was mothers day. By the next day Monday he had a girlfriend. I didn't matter. I never did.

I kissed him and he has a girlfriend and he kissed me back. I feel so much pain. I just feel like a toy. I regret not telling him all those months I regret being alive. Because whats being alive if I can't be with him. I don't think. No I know I won't feel this way about someone ever again. You may say you'll move on sure your only a teen.  I know how I feel.  he's the only one I've ever wanted to give everything to and I was too afraid and screwed it up. Now he will never want me.

Monday, May 16, 2011


If only you knew how I felt
I tried to be happy today
It was easier because I knew you wanted me
and you knew I wanted you
But it all came crashing down
when I saw her pull into your driveway
I was going over your house to tell you
that the words I wrote in that note were all lies
I want you more then anything in the world
I wanted to tell you so many other things
but my heart hurts too much right now
I can't breathe
my chest feels like its being compressed
my heart feels like its being squeeze
and stabbed
I want to feel numb so badly
I want to take the drugs to disappear
I want to run away from everything
I don't care what I leave behind
In the novel Of Mice and Men by John Steinbeck relationships between the characters are essential to their survival. The character Crooks points this out. He said if you don't have someone you'll go crazy because you wouldn't know if what's happening to you is real.(this is explained on pg 73) Lennie and George are each other life lines. George needs Lennie so he won't go spending money on "cat houses" pg 11 and so he won't be constantly thinking about himself. Lennie however just needs George to keep him out of trouble. But together they both hold the dream of owning a piece of land and living off of it. They meet each others needs because George needs to be paying attention to Lennie and Lennie can just be himself reliant on George. Even though George says he could do so much without Lennie on page 11 he doesn't truly mean it because in the end he has the hardest time ending Lennie's life. In conclusion George never wanted to exploit Lennie because all the times he talked about him in a mean way talking about how dumb he was he said it with love he always said something good along with it. An example is when he's telling Slim about all the fun he had with Lennie playing pranks on him and him not getting it bit always being nice about it. pg 49

:P 4/5

In the novel Of Mice and Men different social problems in this time period are addressed. One is the treatment of blacks is unfair and poor. The workers on the farm treat the one black man on the ranch, Crook, as if he's worth less then them. When he can read and do as much as him. They won't let him go into their rooms, but they go into his. He tries to stop Lennie from doing into his, but it doesn't seem to work. He does this by pointing out "you got no right to come in my room. This here's my room. Nobody got any right to be here but me." Also they don't let him play cards but he knows why he can't play he said "I can't play because I'm black"pg 68 And when he was talking to Lennie he got all defensive about having a light when Lennie just said "Just come to look at my puppy. And I seen your light" pg 68 in response Crook said "I got a right to have a light" pg68 this means that other people who work here question what Crook has and try to take it away from him thats why he's so defensive. Lennie however even though he has special needs is treated better then Crook they don't try to take anything away from him. They treat him like a regular human being. They don't forgive him for the mistakes he's made he still has the same consequences the only thing that is degrading is when George says "Jus' tell Lennie what to do an' he'll do it if it don't take no figuring. He can't think of nothing to do himself, but he can sure take orders." pg39 He makes it seem that Lennie can't do anything by himself, but when Lennie does its the wrong thing. And since the world isn't ready for someone who doesn't understand how things work Lennie kills Curley's wife by accident and is put to death rather then getting aid for his mental disability. But in the end Lennie and Crook are in the same boat if they do something wrong or something that someone doesn't like they will get lynched that's why George killed Lennie as a sign of mercy and that's why Crooked back down when he was talking to Curl's wife when she said  "keep your place then, nigger. I could get you strung up on a tree so easy it ain't even funny." pg 81

More writting for class 4/5

In the novel Of Mice and Men by John Steinbeck there are two main characters named George and Lennie. They are very different from each other and the similar making the bond between them stronger. George and Lennie are similar because they are both related to Aunt Clara. They also care about each other deeply if something would happen to the other they would defend the other with all their might. This is shown when Crook tells Lennie hypothetically what if something bad happened to George and Lennie got all upset and started demanding "wheres George?" It's also shown when George is the one killing Lennie instead of letting someone else do it to eliminate as much pain as possible. They also both want there own land to live on together. But they are different because Lennie has special needs and George doesn't. Lennie constantly needs to be touching things and doesn't realize when his doing something wrong till he's done. But because of Lennie's differences George has someone to care for someone to look out for rather then thinking about himself and spending it all on the whore houses and drinking. pg 11. And Lennie has someone he can call a friend. In the novel there is a foreshadowing about Candy and his dog and what would happen to Lennie in the future. In this foreshadowing it tells about how Candy's dog was old and was in pain from being alive so Carlson wanted Candy to kill it but Candy didn't want to because he has had it since it was a pup. So Candy suggests shooting it in the back of the head so it won't know whats coming, but Candy refuses and lets Carlson do it himself. By the end of the book it was Georges turn to do what Carlson did to Lennie because Lennie was proving to be a threat to society. George could've choose to let someone else do it like Candy, but he didn't because he wanted to make it as painless as possible and he wanted Lennie to die with a happy memory. He does this by telling Lennie to look out at the lake and think about the ranch there going to get with the rabbits. Lennie like an obedient dog listens and does what he's told and Lennie shoots him in the back of the head to make it as painless as possible because he rather do that then let a lynch mob go after Lennie or for Lennie to spend the rest of his life in jail. When in reality Lennie didn't mean to kill Curly's wife and George had faith in Lennie till the end this is shown when George tells Candy "Lennie never done it in meanness, All the time he done bad things, but he never done one of em' mean."pg 95

My 4/5 english class

In the novel Of Mice and Men, John Steinbeck portrays the American Dream in a way that is unattainable. He does this by telling the about Lennie and George's dream. Their dream consisted of acquiring land and living by there own means instead of those of someone elses, hence the idea of living off the "fatta of the land." The only reason it was made impossible for these characters to reach their dream is because they were living in a time of economical trouble. No one was making progress. Each of the characters had there own chain holding them back from their dream. They were not all the same. Lennie had a learning disability that didn't allow him to function like anyone else and had gotten him in trouble on several occasions. Examples of this is with Curly himself. Curly had started punching Lennie just because he was smiling and Lennie didn't know what to do so he grabbed his hand and crushed it. Another instance was the the one that ended his life because he was a danger to society and the world wasn't ready for a person with special needs like him. This occurred when Lennie was in the barn petting the puppy and realized he killed it, and Curly's Wife came in and she told him to touch her hair to see how soft it is and Lennie liking it kept on stroking till she screamed "You stop it now, you'll mess it up." pg91 But Lennie tense his "fingers closed on her hair and hung on." pg 91 She had continued to struggle and started to scream. Lennie told her to stop and grew angrier and shook her until "her body flopped like a fish" "for Lennie had broken her neck."pg 91. Once Curly had discovered what happened he sent his men out to  find Lennie to kill him for what he did. Crook's chain was different he was the barn hand most importantly he was the colored man which played the whole role of him not reaching his dream. Crook had no respect from anyone because of his color he points this out when he says "they play cards in there, but I can't play because I'm black"pg 68  this is also shown when Curly's wife threatens him saying "You know what I could do?" "keep your place then, nigger. I could get you strung up on a tree so easy it ain't even funny." pg 81 making him diminish his dreams of ever leaving the ranch and being equal with everyone else. But even if these dreams are unattainable it still gives them the will to keep living and creating new bonds of friendship. This is shown when Crook allows Lennie into his room even though he's not allowed in his.