Saturday, February 26, 2011

I'm still in love you
I will aways be.
I thought I was okey when we broke up.
Because I thought we could be friends.
But thats not true I needed you more then you needed me.
You told me we couldn't be friends anymore.
I hated you.
I had nightmares.
Once track season was over
I didn't know what to do all my friends were your friends
I couldn't hang out with them without going into a conversation about you about how awesome you were.
I started pushing them away because I knew they would go out with you in a heartbeat.
Why wouldn't they? Your sweet your attractive your every girls dream.
Soon one day after school some friends picked me up we drove everywhere in town it was fun and scary and such a rush because they were driving so fast, but the songs playing made me think of you and how horrible of a person I am.
When I home I went into a closet and cried then I called you.
You were on your way to New York.
You seemed happy.
Thats when I decided to exit you out of my mind and not cry and be happy.
It worked. For a while I was genuinely happy.
I didn't hate my friends anymore.
I convince myself that I would be okay if you went out with another girl.
The past couple days however it all went down hill.
I started seeing your dream girl in the hallway.
I started not being okay with you going out with other girls
I started not liking my friends again
In fact I started ditching them avoiding them.
Then I started hanging out with guys.
Not the nicest of them.
Well the majority of the guys on the planet aren't very nice.
They talked about girls around me how they viewed them.
It disgusted me but ehh they were fun
they kept me from being home
and feeling utterly alone
even though i still was when i was hanging out with them
One of them was really sweet though
he had a crush on me
he didn't talk about girls the way the other guys did
he asked me out
I told him no
He asked me out again I told him no
He wanted to kiss me
I pushed him away
ha isn't it funny how i push everyone away even the ones i love
I'm probably going to die alone
so then I had this competition you were there
I saw you with your pale skin against your black hair and your eyes full of hate towards me not full of love like they used to be
I saw you holding her hand
You looked perfect together your fingers intertwined perfectly
Everything came crashing down the shield i built after my first kiss broke up with me it all came down
I bawled
I don't think I've ever bawled that much in my life not that you cared
I was a loser in my mind I hated you cause I loved you and I cried about you when I convinced myself I was down with you
Your sister eventually came up to me and said that wasn't your girlfriend
I started laughing a little
then hid behind my friends back and started crying again
I attempted to smile so they thought I was laughing
But I wasn't
I thought about the girls you liked and how I envied them all because they were lucky because they didn't screw up the chance with you
I kept crying throughout the rest of the day when people weren't watching because they threatened to slap me if I did they said you weren't worth it
Yeah you were worth it I was the only piece of trash around this planet and you look at me at the beginning and thought I wasn't.
I had thoughts racing through my mind about what to do when I got away from everyone.
I thought about getting home changing my clothes and running for hours on end around town till I passed out and no one would find me.
I thought about taking the big kitchen knife going into my closet cutting myself deep and just stare at the blood and know thats what I deserve
I thought about overdosing on the pills in the kitchen
I thought about going to my friends house and getting some beer to forget everything including myself
But then I thought about God and how much he would be disappointed in me.
It used to be my friends that kept me from doing stupid things
But my friends are no longer real to me
God is the only one who's been helping me stay alive and keep me from doing stupid things
I fear him and I love him
He's my best friend
On the way home I realized I do believe in my religion strongly because if I didn't I would've probably been dead at age six.
Thank you I needed to write this.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Quotes I love

"Today I choose life. Every morning when I wake up I can choose joy, happiness, negativity, pain… To feel the freedom that comes from being able to continue to make mistakes and choices — today I choose to feel life, not to deny my humanity but embrace it." ~ Kevyn Aucoin

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable." ~ C.S. Lewis

Trust God from the bottom of your heart,
Don't try to figure out everything on your own.
Listen for God's voice in everything you do,
Everywhere you go,
He's the one who will keep you on track.
~ Proverbs 3:5-6 (The Message)

"We're never so vulnerable than when we trust someone - but paradoxically, if we cannot trust, neither can we find love or joy." ~ Walter Anderson

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Ambulance by Eisley

Eisley is one of the bands that I listened to in middle school and still listen to. I've written about them before on this blog. The style of their music is Indie/ Pop/ Rock. The name of their new album is The Valley. And it is available on March 1, 2011 in stores and online. Their official site is http://www.eisley.com/index.php/

Monday, February 14, 2011

Why I suck at relationships?

Okey you must be thinking oh your a teen you shouldn't be worrying about relationships at such a young age, well thats a huge lie. Relationships are important no matter what the age because how your relationships are with parents, friends, brothers, sisters, etc. are essential to developing your future. Before I always thought that the person I would marry would love me for the way I am. Well guess what I'm not the most lovable person at times. If I was a boy and I was dating a girl exactly like I am I would dump that girl in less then a week. Sure it's important for the guy to love you as you are, but the guy is making the effort to make the relationship work and if you don't meet up with him and try your best its going to end like a mess like me and my ex- boyfriend.

I tortured him in our relationship meaning I was a horrible girlfriend. I was selfish. It was either you love me for the way I am right now or don't love me at all. And this guy adored me. He would do anything try to make me happy, but me as immature as I was I viewed his little loving gestures as an annoyance. And whenever we got into arguments on how I'm not  meeting him halfway or not even trying to make this relationship work or not showing that I cared about him. I would always say "well i didn't ask for any of this." What a snob right? Maybe if I knew what I know right now maybe the relationship could of worked out. But the past is behind us and I don't intend to try to go out with that amazing guy ever again because I don't want to inflict more pain and after what happened I doubt he'll ever view me as the wonderful person he fell in love with. All in all now that I've made the mistake I'm trying and learning how to become the kind of person I want my significant other to be like and I still have a lot of growing up to do before I can say I'm ready to have a relationship (that I will put my best foot forward in).

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

>.< Why is he in my mind?

What am I doing?
Why do I still have feelings for him?
We're like a double edge blade either way you hold it you will get hurt.

Why does it sting when he talks about other girls?
I should be done with this
done with him.
This is what I wanted
not to be held by chains
to run free
to have fun away from the complications of relationships.
Yet why do I feel like an endless wave of sadness washed over me
and the odor it left won't go away.

Sometimes I wish he'd look my way, but when he does
I remember the pain we brought to each other
and I look away
But sometimes I wish we could dull the knife
start off a new
but it was tried too many times
and resulted in wounds.