Saturday, February 26, 2011

I'm still in love you
I will aways be.
I thought I was okey when we broke up.
Because I thought we could be friends.
But thats not true I needed you more then you needed me.
You told me we couldn't be friends anymore.
I hated you.
I had nightmares.
Once track season was over
I didn't know what to do all my friends were your friends
I couldn't hang out with them without going into a conversation about you about how awesome you were.
I started pushing them away because I knew they would go out with you in a heartbeat.
Why wouldn't they? Your sweet your attractive your every girls dream.
Soon one day after school some friends picked me up we drove everywhere in town it was fun and scary and such a rush because they were driving so fast, but the songs playing made me think of you and how horrible of a person I am.
When I home I went into a closet and cried then I called you.
You were on your way to New York.
You seemed happy.
Thats when I decided to exit you out of my mind and not cry and be happy.
It worked. For a while I was genuinely happy.
I didn't hate my friends anymore.
I convince myself that I would be okay if you went out with another girl.
The past couple days however it all went down hill.
I started seeing your dream girl in the hallway.
I started not being okay with you going out with other girls
I started not liking my friends again
In fact I started ditching them avoiding them.
Then I started hanging out with guys.
Not the nicest of them.
Well the majority of the guys on the planet aren't very nice.
They talked about girls around me how they viewed them.
It disgusted me but ehh they were fun
they kept me from being home
and feeling utterly alone
even though i still was when i was hanging out with them
One of them was really sweet though
he had a crush on me
he didn't talk about girls the way the other guys did
he asked me out
I told him no
He asked me out again I told him no
He wanted to kiss me
I pushed him away
ha isn't it funny how i push everyone away even the ones i love
I'm probably going to die alone
so then I had this competition you were there
I saw you with your pale skin against your black hair and your eyes full of hate towards me not full of love like they used to be
I saw you holding her hand
You looked perfect together your fingers intertwined perfectly
Everything came crashing down the shield i built after my first kiss broke up with me it all came down
I bawled
I don't think I've ever bawled that much in my life not that you cared
I was a loser in my mind I hated you cause I loved you and I cried about you when I convinced myself I was down with you
Your sister eventually came up to me and said that wasn't your girlfriend
I started laughing a little
then hid behind my friends back and started crying again
I attempted to smile so they thought I was laughing
But I wasn't
I thought about the girls you liked and how I envied them all because they were lucky because they didn't screw up the chance with you
I kept crying throughout the rest of the day when people weren't watching because they threatened to slap me if I did they said you weren't worth it
Yeah you were worth it I was the only piece of trash around this planet and you look at me at the beginning and thought I wasn't.
I had thoughts racing through my mind about what to do when I got away from everyone.
I thought about getting home changing my clothes and running for hours on end around town till I passed out and no one would find me.
I thought about taking the big kitchen knife going into my closet cutting myself deep and just stare at the blood and know thats what I deserve
I thought about overdosing on the pills in the kitchen
I thought about going to my friends house and getting some beer to forget everything including myself
But then I thought about God and how much he would be disappointed in me.
It used to be my friends that kept me from doing stupid things
But my friends are no longer real to me
God is the only one who's been helping me stay alive and keep me from doing stupid things
I fear him and I love him
He's my best friend
On the way home I realized I do believe in my religion strongly because if I didn't I would've probably been dead at age six.
Thank you I needed to write this.

1 comment: